When keepin' it real goes wrong

Boys and girls, this is Max.

Max likes to play football, and he's pretty good at it too.

But one day, in an important game, Max did not play well. He made some mistakes (six to be exact), and his team lost.

People teased Max about his poor play and said hurtful things about his family.

Max was sad, and frustrated.

The next time Max got to play in this important game, he played a little better, and his team won the game.

But instead of being a good sport, Max lost control.

"I don't like Utah. In fact, I hate them. I hate everything about them."

"I hate their program. I hate their fans. I hate everything. So, it feels good to send those guys home. They didn't deserve it. It was our time, and it was our time to win. We deserved it. We played as hard as we could tonight, and it felt really good to send them home and to get them out of here, so it is a game I'll always remember."

"I think the whole university and their fans and organization is classless. They threw beer on my family and stuff last year and did a whole bunch of nasty things. I don't respect them, and they deserve to lose."

Max learned an important lesson that day: Nobody likes people who get even, and then get mad.

Thanks for the memories Max. We'll be talking about them for years to come.

26-23. What a George-ous ending.

Rivalry week

There are certain times I miss living in Utah more than others. This week is the toughest of them all, and it has little to do with turkey, stuffing, or pumpkin pie.

It's Rivalry Week.

Cougars vs. Utes. Blue vs. Red. Team Down South vs. Team Up North. Good vs. Evil. BYU vs. Utah.

In a perfect world, all I'd have to say next is "let the smack talk games begin" and off we'd go, but I'm no longer competent in that area. Apparently there are disadvantages to distancing one's self from Ute fans. (Burn.)

I can offer up the standard "Why doesn't the University of Utah place a nativity scene on campus during the holidays?" type jokes, but those belong with my high school diploma - stuffed away in a storage box. We all deserve better.

Bringing religion into the discussion is tired and lame too (unless you're a Ute fan). See? Is it part of what makes our rivalry great? Absolutely. But does either side want to rehash the false gospel of Austin over and over? I hope not. We all know Pres. Monson was a Utah Man in his heyday, and no self-respecting Rise and Shouter would ever describe their school as "the Lord's University," so let's file that line of thought away with the diploma.

What I'm hoping for is some creative, solid, concrete, get-my-competitive-juices-flowing, bulletin-board material from my audience. Got a haiku about how Jordan Wynn must lose? Let's hear it. Photoshop mockery of Max Hall and Dennis Pitta? I wanna see it. Stats and facts about K-Whitt and Bronco? Bring it on. Legendary quotes? Actually, I can start that one out with my all-time favorite.

"Typical Utah bull (expletive). All those (Utes) think that's all there is to life. But when I'm making $50,000- $60,000 a year, they'll be pumping my gas. They're low-class losers." -Lenny Gregory aka Lenny Gomes, 1994

Nothing would make me prouder this week than to sit down the Thanksgiving table and pronounce "I'm thankful for smack talk because I'm more excited about Saturday's game because of it."

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1. There are certain advantages that come with living in Yuma. My commute to finding shorts-approved temperatures, GREEN grass and open tee times in November is roughly 5 minutes.

When I figure out what the other advantages are, I'll be sure to let you know about them too.

2. For those who don't know the difference between smack talk and trash talk, Kelly Kapoor is here to help.

3. The answer to nativity joke: because the aren't three wise men and a virgin at the U.

Pure, Proud, Plaid

A few thoughts about my "Forever Plaid" experience:

- For those who are not familiar with this musical, you're missing out. The music is great. The characters are endearing. It's funny. It's innocent. It'll keep you reaching for your own dreams.

- I really had a lot of fun putting this together and doing something miles away from my comfort zone. I'm glad to have my Tuesday nights and Saturday mornings back, but I'll miss spending time with some great people.

- If I had a nickel for every time I heard the word "thespian" during the pastt two months, I'd have about $1.15

- Fear is an powerful motivational tool. Thank you Fear, for keeping me in the right place, on the right foot and in the right tune most of the time.

These are the faces of seven people who just realized their days of putting up with "Diva Rob" are over. Me? I'm smiling because someone said BYU beat TCU that night (not funny).

Welcome to Yuma, where outdoor dining in late October makes complete sense.

Backstage calm before the storm

Warning: Excessive use of falsetto may cause neck strains

My directions were to look nervous, scared and uncomfortable.

Check, check, and check.

Mercury Monterrey = chick magnet

Mickey Mouse doesn't hold a candle to Topo Gigio

I wish I had better pictures of our other album covers.

Photoshop is a fantastic toy.

We were also featured in a little publication some of you may have heard of called the Yuma Sun.

I won't be winning any awards for my work in Forever Plaid, but I prepared a little speech anyway:

First I want to recognize my family for their support and encouragement. As it turns out, those four years of piano lessons weren't a complete failure.

A big thanks to my three brothers in plaid, Troy, Ian and Richard. They are stalwart men loaded with talent. It's been a privilege to practice and perform with them.

I owe so much to our directors Amy and Kris and our accompanists Erika and Nate for taking a chance on a shy kid from Salt Lake and unleashing the inner Jinx from within me (orchestra music softly begins to play in the background). Oh no, wait! Our props helpers Angela and Melissa. Shawna Perkins, our executive director. Sally, oh Sally, you are my bellowed angel. Serenity now. Serenity now.

One more second Kanye. Please everyone, we need a college football playoff. WRITE YOUR CONGRESSMAN!